Change

Others are changing their blogs, so I've decided to change this since since my other one was so boring.

I forgot about that picture (it's the first picture I ever printed in a darkroom). exciting.

Hunger Pains

I'm starting to like them again. My step-mom and I are about the same size. She's been dieting for the past month "to lose three more pounds." Today she said she couldn't stop eating. I hate it, but her saying that really made my day. I love it when I eat less than her.

I've lost six pounds since Thursday. I'm trying to lose four more by Friday.

I like living this way.

fantasy

on occasion, he might see me cry, but he can't see through me. he can't see my soul screaming and begging for mercy because the torture is too much. because the heartbreaks were too much to hold, so my soul is cracking too. soon enough my soul will burst, releasing all that I have tightly packed away--leaving the sadness, rage, guilty pleasures, and ignored grudges out in the open for all to see. they'll all wonder, but just one touch will cease further research as my heartbreaks burst into a thousand flames and burn to dust and fly away with the wind, each particle going in different directions.

Now they're free, and I'm born again. I finally get a second chance.

I hate myself. So much. Life isn't supposed to be this way.

I'm in a Deep Hole

Last night I couldn't use the bathroom after dinner because someone else was. I ate one normal sized meal all day. I felt so full when I was done. When my father asked me to take out the trash (I hate doing manly chores) it was the first time I was happy to do it. I think it's too gross to explain, but I bet anyone could guess what happens next anyway. I want to move on from this, but I'm not even trying. I want to stay this way, but I want to be healthy. I'm like a zombie. I can't feel anything--not even hunger. As soon as I smell something very fattening, and immediately felt full. I want to be okay with myself. I want to feel beautiful. Life is a gift, and I'm wasting it. I'm wasting it on fear. I have so much turmoil confined in my head. I don't want to go back to treatment. Or do I?

Why won't I let anyone love me?

It's a New Year

I'm still stuck at age fourteen. I don't tell anybody anything. And there is so much built inside of me that I don't even know where to begin. So much that I can't even feel. I can't cry or laugh or eat. No matter how hungry I am, I can't make myself eat unless I know that I'll vomit later. I ended 2009 binging and purging. I don't want this life, but I'm too afraid to try anything else.

I hope everyone else is starting the new decade off positively. If you're not, it's really okay. Please believe that. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I want to be happy this year. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I'll be seventeen in a few weeks. This shit is getting old. This year I want to leave Neverland. My eating disorder has hindered my mental development since I was fourteen. It's time to surrender and let go. I don't want to die.

I wish you all the best in the new year.

P.S. Sorry this is so disorganized. It directly parallels my thoughts.

Panic Attacks

I'm getting mild ones every other day. Sometimes twice in one day.

Something is on my mind, but I can't tell anyone. This is the furthest I've come to doing so.